 |
|
|
|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
Merman Archive July/AugustQuestion: Part 1: "Do you believe in love at first sight?"Dear One in Waiting: Well, if I read that question properly you are asking ME, if I believe…why? Did you see me sitting out on some exotic island somewhere? Oh well, probably not. Moving on! Do I believe…yes? Do I know better? Absolutely. (I believe in the Easter Bunny too!) Most "love at first sighters" are really "lust at first sighters." Fun yes, long lasting, not likely. Now, occasionally people do win the lottery but look at how many tickets they have to buy! There are lots of fish in the proverbial ocean and sometimes finding the right one probably seems impossible or at least like a lot of work. But the work is well worth it unless you are really into having a string of meaningless relationships followed by several ugly divorces. By Merman standards most of the lightening bolts that occur in a relationship take place 5, 10, 20 years down the road, especially if you have chosen well. Yes it is great to have some fireworks but doesn't it always seem like the fireworks at the 4th of July celebration don't last long enough…no matter how many they shoot off? I wouldn't recommend waiting for or banking your pearls on love at first sight. Spend your time evaluating potential long term partners based on a comparison of your values to theirs. Values are the guiding principles by which we make decisions. Personal values are the hardwiring that develops within you over a long period of time. Here is an exercise: Sit down and write 5 single words that describe your values, then go back and write down brief definitions of each value. (not the ones in the dictionary but your definitions) Keep then in your wallet. Those are your guiding principles. When you meet a potential mister right, before you go head over flippers and down the easy road to the fireworks show date him for awhile without physical intimacy. Unfortunately the physical stuff clouds thinking AND real feeling. When you are comfortable ask him, "What are your values?" If he says, "Huh?" Move on, he is interested in just one thing and is about as deep as a clamshell! If he shows an interest in sharing, talk to him, maybe even teach him about values. Don't make the mistake of trying to change or bend your values to match his or interpret his to match yours. You have no choice but to stick to yours. (They are written down and in your wallet!) And do not fall into the trap set by some bad merman who just match theirs to yours to get to where ‘theirs' is! Before you move too far in the relationship go home and compare what he said about values to the values in your wallet and in your heart. If there is no match, and you are looking for a long term relationship, move on. If his values don't at least come close to matching yours it just won't work! Better to know that now than to waste a bunch of time. Repeat as needed until you find a closer match. One way to find people who might at least come closer to falling into your pool of values is to join and get actively involved in an activity oriented organization. Shared interests are sometimes (and I repeat sometimes) the precursor to shared values. But don't think that just because you both like bird watching you have shared values. He might like to shoot them and you might like to build habitat! Be patient, careful and most of all smart. You Mermaids are a lot better at that in this venue than most of us Mermen! And for the bonus round! Question - Part 2: How does a man know when he has found "the one"? I hate to throw a wet blanket on the romantic side of finding a mate, but frankly for Mermen it seems to be more of a timing issue than anything else. Maybe for Mermaids too. You have to be "ready" for a long term relationship to work with anyone. So to answer your question directly, he knows he has found "the one" when he is ready. Just like you! How many times have you heard, "I'm not ready for an involved relationship right now"? Or something else like that. It is not an excuse to get away from someone he doesn't like. It is just a question of timing. A merman knows when he has found the "right one" when one close to being right is there at the right time. There are many fish in the sea and many of them are right. Many Mermen don't believe that there is "only one" for everyone. Not that you could pair with anyone, but there are lots of choices and few are perfect. All, and I repeat ALL, require WORK! (UG) The toughest thing about a relationship is that all of them take compromising. You want a relationship, you have to compromise something. Maybe it is better to look at that as giving, but either way you have to be as flexible as a fresh caught flounder to stay in a relationship, even with the right one. I am sure that the most painful break ups are those where it seems like the Merman and the Mermaid are a good, solid match, but one of them isn't ready. Most painful for the one that is. Take care and don't quit fishing just because they aren't biting. Pretty soon the timing will be right and you will have a boat load to choose from! Regards, "The Merman" |
|
|
